Horrifying but sadly not surprising-A sequel

Horrifying but sadly not surprising-A sequel

My recent note, chronicling my friend John’s experience at the hands of Comet precipitated an unprecedented level of response. Mostly from John naturally, who would be consulting a lawyer, if he could find one he could bear to be in the company of for the time it would take to instruct them, to sue me for breach of privacy.

And so at the risk of further upsetting him, but in the certain knowledge that no legal action will follow, I thought I would share with you my experience at John Lewis today. Which in case I didn’t mention it in my earlier note was one of the establishments I suggested, nay implored John to buy his camera from.

In advance of a trip to Worcester and then on to Cheltenham tomorrow I was in need of a satellite navigation system, having totally lost the ability to drive and read a map at the same time due to over reliance on them. It strikes me as I write this, that this is just the sort of thing I ought, with my grumpy old man signature, rile against. Lost art of map reading, idiots driving their cars into the sea because they slavishly follow, children not knowing whether Scotland is North or South (although not knowing where Scotland is may not be a great loss), etc…. you know the sort of thing, I can even hear myself saying all this. So am I going to return it to John Lewis tomorrow, on account of this belated self-discovery? Of course not! Where’s the fun in that? One should never let the facts get in the way of a good story, nor should one strive for personal internal consistency that road most assuredly leads to madness.

Anyway back to my experience at the shop John should have gone to.

I arrived, parked the car, I should perhaps at this stage explain why I needed a new satellite navigation system (I am sorry I cannot bring myself to say or type the usual abbreviation), or more specifically why I own a car that doesn’t have one in it already.

As some of you will know I do have a tendency to oscillate between the opposite ends of the automobile spectrum; an Aston Martin followed by a 6 year old diesel Audi and a Porsche 911 followed by a Toyota Prius (before they became fashionable in Hollywood I should say) So the disposal of my 6.3 litre Mercedes in exchange for a Mini is following a familiar well worn pattern. As to the underlying motivation and psychological fragility this demonstrates, that is between my therapist and me!

So back to where John should have been last week. I entered the store, walked past, well to be honest I am not sure what I walked past, shops do not hold a great attraction for me, primarily because they usually contain a lot of people. Down the escalator, turned right and right again, towards the computers and televisions and arrived at the desk. I had barely stopped when I smart polite man said, “Can I help you sir?” I confess a joyous feeling came over me at that moment, not because I was about to receive excellent service, but because later today I knew I would be writing this, schadenfreude I believe it is know as in Germany. Unbecoming as it maybe, but the instinctive pleasure we feel when misfortune befalls someone else, All in the shop John should have gone to. How very delicious!

“I would like a satellite Navigation System please” stressing the full use of the name rather than the usual abbreviation. “Certainly sir on the wall over there, let me show you” I turned to see an array of 12or so systems. This will be interesting I thought to myself.
We arrived, I paused, He sensed my hesitation, “Will you be needing European maps?”
“No”
“That rules these 4 out, would you like traffic updates?”
“No”
“That rules these out, so you are left with these four, big screen or small screen?”
“Big”
“That leaves a choice of two, they both do the same thing, this one has an extra feature, it is programmed to “know” when certain roads are likely to be busy”
“I’ll take that one”

He disappeared to retrieve one, returned and before I could enquire, he said it was all ready to go, no need for batteries or anything else. I thanked him and walked over to the check out. Hardly able to contain my pleasure at the thought of sitting here writing this.

He was smart, bright courteous, knew his product, not once did he try to sell me anything, he helped me buy.

So I was in and out in about 7 minutes.

I have been agonising for the last 10 minutes, as to whether I should include this next episode. I should I have concluded.
I walked over to the check out area. I was met by a tall man wearing what was a Spivey suit, not in-keeping with the John Lewis brand I thought. I then looked up and he had one of those hairstyles that isn’t a style at all, in which the hair has been groomed to go in different directions at the same time. Ah no matter I thought, or in the modern vernacular “whatever”

“Is this for you sir?” Oh please is it really necessary to try to engage me in mindless conversation, I thought. And then realised that the previous assistant had not done that at all,
He provide me with the information, no more no less, I had thanked him for his help, he had said it was a pleasure and I was gone.
And now this goon wants to spoil it all by talking to me.
“Planning to do a lot of driving?” was his next attempt.
Do you recall that moment in the first Terminator film, when he is asked a question and we see the various possible responses he could use on the computer screen in his eye? Fortunately for all, I chose the last option my mind presented me with-“say nothing”

So it appears they are in fact everywhere!